just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
you told grandpa to call you daddy
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
