I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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