For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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