when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
