I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
