i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize