I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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