just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
