When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
please don't ironically join a cult
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