Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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