pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
