i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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