Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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