It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
