Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Randomize