I can text with my tongue
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
