Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We had to coat check the pizza.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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