I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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