All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
