I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Houston, we have a blender
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
