how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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