it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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