you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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