Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
