My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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