Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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