Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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