dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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