Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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