well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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