lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm just crazy horny about you
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I said "one day" and that day is not today
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize