i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize