Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
