Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
