where am i from again
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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