Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
