Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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