dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
