Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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