Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
