No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
