I look better un-naked...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
