Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
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