Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize