It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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