alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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