Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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