I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
