Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
