I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
im six kinds of drunk right now
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
