apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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