Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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