Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
