Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize