i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
