my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
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