Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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