Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
