My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
