I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
