I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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