go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
There's always time for handjobs
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
